Raising Loving Siblings: Expert Parenting Tips to Stop Fighting and Build Lifelong Bonds

For years, sibling fighting has been the most common non-medical complaint parents share with pediatricians. “It is perhaps the most persistent and annoying thing about family life,” says Jon Caspi, a Family Science and Human Development professor in Montclair’s College for Community Health.

Caspi, an expert in sibling relationships and a licensed family therapist, has written extensively on the subject. His latest book, Raising Loving Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Help Your Kids Connect, published by The Guilford Press, combines research, theory and hands-on experience to help parents understand and improve family dynamics.

Why Common Parenting Strategies May Backfire

Caspi’s book challenges traditional parenting practices, such as telling older siblings to “share” or sending children to separate rooms after a fight. These approaches, he says, often hinder sibling closeness and can create lifelong resentments.

“Parents should not just focus on the child’s behavior, but also reflect on their own behavior,” he says. “Most parents don’t realize what they’re doing to try to stop siblings from fighting is actually perpetuating the problem.” His book shifts the focus toward understanding the family dynamics that fuel conflict and offers practical ways to foster stronger sibling connections.

Proven Tips to Reduce Sibling Fighting

While eliminating sibling fighting entirely is unrealistic, Caspi stresses that parents can reduce its frequency and intensity. His top strategies include:

• Avoid taking sides: “When parents say things like, ‘You’re bigger, you should know better’ or ‘let your little sister or brother play with the toy’ it sends a message that they’re protecting the younger sibling,” he says. “The older sibling feels like an outsider and it makes them more resentful and aggressive.”
• Present a united front: Parents must work together to ensure consistent approaches to discipline and conflict resolution. Mixed messages can create confusion and allow children to manipulate situations.
• Let kids resolve their conflicts: Constantly stepping in robs children of the chance to develop essential problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills.
• Encourage and praise positive interactions: Building moments of sibling bonding can significantly strengthen their relationship.
• Reduce sibling comparisons: Be careful about forcing children to participate in shared activities in which they will be compared, such as in the same dance class or soccer team.
• Seek professional help if needed: For persistent issues, especially those stemming from marital discord, Caspi suggests that couples counseling might be beneficial. “If you can’t do it on your own, go to couples counseling and get that worked out because the more parents are not on the same team, the more the siblings are going to fight.” The more aligned parents are, the less siblings will fight.

Using numerous examples from his practice, his own life and from his students and others over the years in his book, Caspi helps parents recognize common patterns that exacerbate sibling fighting and offers alternative strategies to foster more positive sibling interactions.

The Long-Term Benefits of Strong Sibling Bonds

Caspi emphasizes the lifelong advantages of nurturing positive sibling relationships, one of the reasons he wanted to write the book. From academic success to better health and social skills, the benefits are profound:

• Improved health: Strong sibling relationships are linked to better physical health and longer lifespans.
• Greater happiness: Good sibling relationships contribute to overall well-being.
• Career success: Sibling support often correlates with higher achievements professionally and financially.
• Resilience in rough times: Siblings with close bonds are better equipped to cope with difficult situations, such as parental divorce. “In fact, you almost see no negative effects to the kids of divorce who have good relationships with siblings, compared to those that don’t,” Caspi says. “Having a close sibling is such a vital way of dealing with adversity and coming out the other end intact.”
• Stronger social skills: Learning to get along with siblings prepares children for relationships outside of the home.

“All relationships involve conflict; the goal is to make it productive and occasional, rather than constant,” Caspi says. “Ultimately, we want siblings to feel connected and supportive of one another.”

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